I know what you are all thinking. How can the Ohio cell phone up in the anus voyeur not be Herb? After all, I have been traveling quite in bit in recent months, which just happens to coincide with my low blogging profile. Then there are my suspicious YouTube subscriptions which read like the diary of a troubled Katie Couric colon cyber stalker. She has a very perky colon. Meredith Viera wishes she had a lower GI with such girl next door spunk. Don’t even get me started on Bob Schieffer’s asshole.
Sorry to disappoint my loyal readers, but I am not a creepy perv who takes cell phone pictures of nude women at tanning salons and sticks electronic devices set to vibrate mode up my rectum. Do you still respect me?
When did Darryl Hall become such a right wing tool? Maybe the warning signs were always there and we just refused to see them. What a tool. He has gone too far this time. The soulful blue eyed propagandist must be stopped.
Don’t feel so bad Dwayne. Poor, uneducated, rural white woman didn’t go for Obama either.
Damn you, Seattle and your unyielding writer’s block. I used to be a reasonably funny guy. Now my post ideas are about as creative and predictable as an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Did you hear the one about John McCain yelling at kids to get off his lawn? I am two props shy of opening up for Carrot Top and Glenn Campbell in Branson. Shit, are Derek and Meredith back together again? I can get gizzy with George and Izzie, but I should really be more discreet about my Youtube downloads. In-laws might be reading this.
You would think the misery of being apart from my family would produce some terrific blog fodder, as would the close proximity to Mother Urban and my pain in the ass brother Herm. Hell, I am camped out in an attic with low ceilings conducive to two near concussions a week, while sleeping on a futon like some starving on Top Raman college kid. I only emerge from my dark Dick Cheney inspired entombment for work, meals and weekend trips across the state. I am pretty certain this horrific temporary arrangement will one day produce one hell of a novel or refrigerated body parts in pickle jars. Relax, I’ll find a way to easily combine the two.
One thing helping me keep my sanity is my nightly IM’s with Mrs. Urban — since talking on a phone with a three year old in the background just is not happening. When did three become the new two? Hell in a Dora The Explorer hand basket, did I ever pick the wrong time to move back to Seattle and essentially make Mrs. Urban a single parent. In a few month, or maybe even weeks, this forgettable period will be behind us. In the meantime, I will force myself to get my blogging game back on by writing daily, Thank you to everyone who continues to read this site. I will try to redeem your faith in me in the near future.
Until next time, enjoy a little Drive-By Truckers. Their music is helping me keep my sanity.
For those wondering where I wandered off to, my sordid story can now be told. I grew a stylish stache and moved back to the big city to pursue a lifelong dream — to be the hairy bottom half of a Hall & Oates parody duo or group. Lesson learned: choose your Craigslist ad phrasing very carefully.
In the coming days, my shamed cell phone will break its long silence.
In other ongoing Herb legal news, a motion for summary judgment was filed in district court today in the Jack Wagner sexual harassment suit. Stay tuned.
Is that something a guy can do voluntarily? When I need to quell an untimely insurgent uprising I visualize Star Jones employing her fatty extracts as a fondue pot for delicious Cornish hens. That minifies my shit right up.
In other enthralling celebrities news headlines that caught my eye scrolling before me in my office elevator, it has been a rough couple of months for disgraced pitching great Roger Clemens. The Rocket is alleged to have been banging a 15 year old country singer. Billy Ray Cyrus: Worst.Stage.Dad.Ever! Nice going defrocked Minister of the Mullet faithful. E-mailing suggestive photos of your daughter to Bill O’Reilly? Sounds like someone has been taking dubious parenting advice from Lynne Spears again. What’s next, Frenching Madonna or partying with Paris and their departed panties on the Sunset Strip?
Speaking of Bill Orally, so is this what floats his loofah these days? He wants to convene a conference to discuss the scantily clad Hannah Montana pictures? I can see how this would be a nice diversion from his daily all hands Fox News staff circle jerk. It is hard to sustain a 24 hour news cycle erection on a limited number of 90 second Rev. Wright YouTube clips and taking Barack Obama speeches out on context. Hell, even the Clinton campaign has moved on to flogging Obama over other non issues. Not liking Bill’s choice of Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy” as theme song on the stump. The Big Dog is hanging out with more of the “Lawyers, Guns and Money” crowd these days.
Lastly, I want to take a minute to address the nasty internet rumor I’m begging Matt Drudge to run with regarding reports that I have been in blogging seclusion to hide my shame for faking a second Brucegasm at the Seattle Springsteen show last month. How dare you, obscure hack blogger undeserving of my linkage. I may have experienced a “senior moment” during Point Blank, but I definitely came up for the rising. Screw you, Herb Urban Nights! Mike Gravel’s taint, does every shmohawk have a second blog these days?
Bruce Springsteen, who long ago renounced, denounced and rejected his working class NJ roots for the million dollar mansions of the Hollywood Hills, officially threw his support today behind fellow atheist, gun abolitionist, poor bowler and fetus hating snob Barack Obama. Color us surprised.
The Clinton campaign by contrast is proud to announce the endorsement of 2nd Amendment right champion and true flap lapel pin wearing American Ted Nugent. Unlike “The Boss”, Mr. Nugent never stopped being proud to be Born in the U.S.A. The “Motor City Madman” recognizes the need for a commander in chief who will be ready on day one to answer the phone at 3 a.m. under heavy sniper fire.
Mr. Nugent understands Americans are a proud, hopeful optimistic people who want their leaders to embody their deep devotion to God, Guns, Country and Fox News. That is why he proudly stands with our working class hero Hillary in her fight to preserve our precious right to shoot ducks with AK-47s.
God Bless Ted Nugent and God Bless the proud, hard working non bitter men and women of faith in the great states of Pennsylvania, Indiana and wherever else people don’t hold undemocratic caucuses.
The succession of sporadic and uninspired posts over the past six weeks has been inexcusable. I sincerely apologize to all my loyal readers who have weathered the storm of my blogging exile. There is finally good news to report coming out of Herbsylvania. I am returning to old job and leave for Seattle this coming weekend. I will be staying with family (either Herm or Mother Urban — that is one monumental coin flip no one eagerly awaits). Once I get settled in Mrs. Urban and the little one will join me there.
Now that all personal matters have been attended to, we can return to our normally scheduled stupidity. Anyone up for some catshit coffee? How did Starbucks not trademark this? The similarity in taste and texture is uncanny right down to the tiny clumps at the bottom of my cup. I recommend the Exotic Shorthair blend.
Huge thanks to Mrs. Figby (aka Mrs. Eyeball?) for e-mailing me this huge find. A fanny-pack is exactly how I’ve pictured the Rickster in my sleep. He must use his manly bag to store his collagen on the go kit for when generous casino lighting is not readily available.
Speaking of poorly aging musical enigmas, Darryl Hall now holds concerts in his living room with much younger, hipper artists. He even has a website for his little Dan Zanes inspired house parties. Meanwhile, Oates broadcasts a free weekly podcast bitterly critiquing each performance because Hall never invites him over to play. Maybe the sex has spoiled Darryl.
Name three recent search terms used by readers of this site. Makes you proud to bring me up in your browser, doesn’t it? Those search terms are a short story about Dr. Drew’s sordid adventures south of the border just waiting to be written. I know what I will be doing on my flight back tomorrow.
Hey Google, when did I ever write about “Mexican whore houses”? Looking at some of the more explicit recent search terms I think someone is secretly Googlebombing me with smut. Whoever is doing this better cut it out. I run a clean family friendly website. I will not tolerate dirty whore house talk on this page, at least not until I finish my Dr. Drew graphic lit fan fiction.
